If the School of Football Was Real...
By Marissa Blackman
Genius Football posted this on Twitter, and it really go my creative juices flowing. Here’s a little fictitious thing I wrote…
A few weeks ago I got a letter in the mail inviting me to attend The School of Football, and now I’m in London visiting the school to decide whether or not I’ll accept the invitation. I came here half expecting this school not to actually exist. It seems far too good to be true.
The School is both a high school and a college. Some of the world’s most famous footballers attend, and Alex Ferguson is the principal. As if that wasn’t crazy enough, managers like Jose Mourinho are the teachers. Here’s the most unbelievable part: They want me to come to the school.
Other than the fact that there were acres of football fields everywhere, it seemed like a normal school. When my cab pulled up to the school, SAF himself was standing at the doors.
“You must be Marissa.” He shook my hand as he greeted me.
“Yes, I am. It’s very nice to meet you!” I tried my best to sound pleasant, but I was truly very shocked and anxious.
I was shocked that this mysterious school of football actually existed, and I was anxious to see what (and who) was inside.
“We really want you to come to this school. I hope today’s orientation will help you make the right decision.” He continued as we walked to the main office.
“Can I talk to you about that for a second? Why am I being invited to come here? I mean, I’m not a footballer.” I inquired.
“You’re not a footballer, but you have stellar academics. If you come here, the schools average GPA will rise significantly. Also, you’re a really big fan of the game, so we thought you’d enjoy yourself here.” He explained as he opened the door to his office
I was too anxious to ask how he knew I was a fan
As soon as he finished his sentence, the sound of a very loud whistle rang out through the corridors.
“That’s the kickoff whistle, or morning bell as other schools would call it. If you’d just take a seat, I need to do the morning announcements before I give you a tour.”
He sat down at his desk, pulled out a microphone, and began.
“Good morning students and staff. I'm your headmaster Alex Ferguson, but that's Sir Alex Ferguson to you all. As you're all aware it's time to register for classes. All of Mr. Klopp' s classes are full, but Senor Del Bosque has plenty of space. Many of you have been whining that Del Bosque doesn't smile enough. Get over it! You're not in school to see a pretty smile, you're here to learn!
Also in regards to registering for classes, no female students are allowed to take classes with Mr. Low. Judging from the fiascoes that went on in his class last semester, he’s too much of a distraction.
Mr. Wenger's kindergarten class is taking a field trip to the park, so please turn in your permission slips.
As this is finals week, I'd like to remind all you teachers that students have exactly two hours to take their exams. No teacher is allowed to end the testing session early. Hear that Mourinho?
Congratulations to Steven Gerrard! For your great leadership skills, you will be awarded with the title of class captain for yet another semester, which is probably the only trophy you’ll be getting this season.
Our very own dolphin boy Neymar has won the swimming championship yet again. What a talented diver!
Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, and Ronaldinho are being recognized by the staff for outstanding academic achievement this semester. Those three are the top of the class. Cristiano has also been voted best dressed student.
David Luiz and Sergio Busquets have received an acting award from our new drama teacher Mr. Guardiola.
Finally, we have disciplinary action. Mesut Ozil, Luis Suarez, Gareth Bale, Andrea Pirlo, Mario Baloteli, Arjen Robben, and Pepe report to my office.”
I waited in the corner of Fergie’s office and watched the room fill up with some of my favorite athletes. They all walked to the office, accept for Gareth Bale who sprinted. Most of the students were somber and slightly scared, but Baloteli and Pirlo weren't fazed.
As soon as they all arrived, Ferguson began to speak
"Look, I don't feel like meeting with all of you individually, so I'm just going to tell everyone at once why you're in trouble and you all have to pay a fine. Arjen you cheated your philosophy test, and Mesut gave you the answers. Andrea, you've been challenging Mr. van Gall. While you probably do know more than him, I can't have you acting like it. Luis you bit every pencil in the school, and you bit Pepe. Pepe you punched Luis. Gareth you continue to run like a speed demon in the corridors despite receiving warnings from every one of your teachers. Mario, you're in trouble for everything bad that has ever happen in the history of this school because we all know it's always you. Now get to class."
All of the other students walked out as silently as they walked in, but Balotelli lifted up his shirt revealing an undershirt that said “why always me?”
Those were my first impressions of the school. It's a very odd school. I still have many questions,but I know one thing for sure. Sign me up! Sign me up! Sign me up!
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